Leaving the stability of permanent employment to join the new self-employed generation seemed to many people in my life to be a huge step. Looking back perhaps it was but I was so full of excitement about all the opportunities that lay ahead of me that I entered this new phase of my life without so much as a backward glance.
I had always been a bit of a square peg in a round hole at work, often feeling that I was on the next page and wishing others could see the bigger picture. This is not necessarily a positive trait as by racing ahead I often missed the minute detail of life, invented ever demanding deadlines and tasks for myself and ended up feeling less than satisfied. Add to this mix a very strong perfectionist streak, incredibly high expectations of others and over time burn out was beginning to seem inevitable or would have if I hadn’t applied the brakes.
Well what prompted this change? Not one thing rather than many small changes and shifts in the reality around me or my perception of reality. I am in my mid forties so some people have described this as my mid-life crisis. Others see me as a victim of an overstretched education system of which I had been a member for ten years. Those that had known me longer saw this as inevitable as I am always looking for new challenges and easily bored.
Here I am over a year later. The planned novel still only a chapter long and yet it is only now I feel able to embrace the new life I have started to forge. Why has it taken so long? Probably because I didn’t anticipate how the initial euphoria of being your own person would gradually be replaced with a sense of loss and lack of identity. The free time that felt so liberating was hard to fill without a clear routine. I had plenty of offers of work but I wanted to work part-time so I could have time to explore my creative side. Despite this I found reasons why I didn’t have time to start my writing course and made other people’s problems an excuse. I became pre-occupied with my family’s well-being and lost sense of my own.
I’m not looking for sympathy because there have been many high points. I no longer avoid doing things on a Sunday and an invitation mid-week is always met with as much pleasure as if it were on a Friday night I’ve re-connected with many of the people who have helped shape my journey so far and feel blessed they are back in my life. I am fortunate to have made new friends who have helped me understand who I truly am and how I can create the life I desire. Most importantly I am able to spend more time with my children and have started to truly appreciate them for the people they are becoming.
Therefore as I begin to fully embrace the life I am creating for myself I am filled with a sense of gratitude that I was brave enough to make the changes. This blog marks the start of my journey into the world of becoming a published writer and I hope that it will be an inspiration to all those who feel that they would like to change direction and head for a different destination.
